Scheming Thug

A Screenplay by

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON — AFTERNOON

Smart homemaker DI MAUREEN WILSON is arguing with special housekeeper PROF ALISON SPARROW. MAUREEN tries to hug ALISON but she shakes her off.

MAUREEN
Please Alison, don’t leave me.

ALISON
I’m sorry Maureen, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

MAUREEN
I am such a person!

ALISON frowns.

ALISON
I’m sorry, Maureen. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.

ALISON leaves.

MAUREEN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, intelligent shopkeeper DI ROGER HEMINGWAY barges in looking flustered.

MAUREEN
Goodness, Roger! Is everything okay?

ROGER
I’m afraid not.

MAUREEN
What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…

ROGER
It’s … a thug … I saw an evil thug stab a bunch of children!

MAUREEN
Defenseless children?

ROGER
Yes, defenseless children!

MAUREEN
Bloomin’ heck, Roger! We’ve got to do something.

ROGER
I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.

MAUREEN
You can start by telling me where this happened.

ROGER
I was…

ROGER fans himself and begins to wheeze.

MAUREEN
Focus Roger, focus! Where did it happen?

ROGER
a book shop! That’s right — a book shop!

MAUREEN springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD — CONTINUOUS

MAUREEN rushes along the street, followed by ROGER. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP — SHORTLY AFTER

PHIL BOND a scheming thug terrorises two children.

MAUREEN, closely followed by ROGER, rushes towards PHIL, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

ROGER
What is is? What’s the matter?

MAUREEN
That’s not just any old thug, that’s Phil Bond!

ROGER
Who’s Phil Bond?

MAUREEN
Who’s Phil Bond? Who’s Phil Bond? Only the most scheming thug in the universe!

ROGER
Blinkin’ knickers, Maureen! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most scheming thug in the universe!

MAUREEN
You can say that again.

ROGER
Blinkin’ knickers, Maureen! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most scheming thug in the universe!

MAUREEN
I’m going to need spoons, lots of spoons.

Phil turns and sees Maureen and Roger. He grins an evil grin.

PHIL
Maureen Wilson, we meet again.

ROGER
You’ve met?

MAUREEN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago…

EXT. A PARK — BACK IN TIME

A young MAUREEN is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees PHIL. She takes off her headphones.

PHIL
Would you like some chocolate?

MAUREEN’s eyes light up, but then he studies PHIL more closely, and looks uneasy.

MAUREEN
I don’t know, you look kind of scheming.

PHIL
Me? No. I’m not scheming. I’m the least scheming thug in the world.

MAUREEN
Wait, you’re a thug?

MAUREEN runs away, screaming.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP — PRESENT DAY

PHIL
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

ROGER
(To MAUREEN) You ran away?

MAUREEN
(To ROGER) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MAUREEN turns to PHIL.

MAUREEN
I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!

MAUREEN runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

MAUREEN
I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back — with spoons.

PHIL
I’m not scared of you.

MAUREEN
You should be.

EXT. A LIBRARY — LATER THAT DAY

MAUREEN and ROGER walk around searching for something.

MAUREEN
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.

ROGER
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.

MAUREEN
You know nothing Roger Hemingway.

ROGER
We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.

Suddenly, PHIL appears, holding a pair of spoons.

PHIL
Looking for something?

ROGER
Crikey, Maureen, he’s got your spoons.

MAUREEN
Tell me something I don’t already know!

ROGER
The earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

MAUREEN
I know that already!

ROGER
I pick my nose and eat it.

PHIL
(appalled) Dude!

While PHIL is looking at ROGER with disgust, MAUREEN lunges forward and grabs her deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

MAUREEN
Prepare to die, you scheming courgette!

PHIL
No please! All I did was stab a bunch of children!

ALISON enters, unseen by any of the others.

MAUREEN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender — and that’s me! Maureen Wilson defender of innocent children.

PHIL
Don’t hurt me! Please!

MAUREEN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these spoons on you right away!

PHIL
Because Maureen, I am your father.

MAUREEN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

MAUREEN
No you’re not!

PHIL
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

PHIL tries to grab the spoons but MAUREEN dodges out of the way.

MAUREEN
Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, PHIL slumps to the ground.

ROGER
Did he just faint?

MAUREEN
I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.

MAUREEN crouches over PHIL’s body.

ROGER
Be careful, Maureen. It could be a trick.

MAUREEN
No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… Phil Bond is dead!

MAUREEN
What?

MAUREEN
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

ROGER claps his hands.

ROGER
So your spoons did save the day, after all.

ALISON steps forward.

ALISON
Is it true? Did you kill the scheming thug?

MAUREEN
Alison how long have you been…?

ALISON puts her arm around MAUREEN.

ALISON
Long enough.

MAUREEN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Phil Bond.

ALISON
Then the children are safe?

MAUREEN
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

ALISON
You are their hero.

The children bow to MAUREEN.

MAUREEN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Phil Bond will never stab children ever again, is enough for me.

ALISON
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes MAUREEN a healing necklace

ALISON
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

MAUREEN
I couldn’t possibly.

Pause.

MAUREEN
Well, if you insist.

MAUREEN takes the necklace.

MAUREEN
Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

MAUREEN turns to ALISON.

MAUREEN
Does this mean you want me back?

ALISON
Oh, Maureen, of course I want you back!

MAUREEN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MAUREEN
Well you can’t have me.

ALISON
WHAT?

MAUREEN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a thug to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.

ALISON
But…

MAUREEN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin — my best friend, Roger.

ROGER grins.

ALISON
But…

ROGER
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

ALISON
Maureen?

MAUREEN
I’m sorry Alison, but I think you should skidaddle.

ALISON leaves.

ROGER turns to MAUREEN.

ROGER
Did you mean that? You know … that I’m your best friend?

MAUREEN
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ROGER stops.

ROGER
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the thug don’t you?

THE END

Created on 6th February 2022.